If you are here, maybe you are walking a parallel path to mine- letting Him peel off the selfish attributes you’ve accumulated and created like armor plates (like a fleshly antithesis of the whole Armor of God), that you’ve fed and fostered over the years. You’re truly repentant, ready and willing for all of it to go; to feel how they were an infection and now it’s a relief to lose them.
I’m starting to realize that I have to take some time to recognize the parts of me He wants. They were infected, sure, but they weren’t the infection themselves. (“But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.” Isaiah 64:6 Dr. McGee ““The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick.” Jeremiah 17:9) Some of these things are my God-given gifts. Some of us may be unaware of what those are if we are out of fellowship with God. For me, I was using them as I saw fit, my selfish aims perverting them from His design. I saw little-to-no blessing from them because of this. I’ve let what I thought what I should be using my gifts for go: writing fiction, performing as a voice artist. The writing He has begun to show me some of His purpose in, like making a prayer journal and writing these posts rather than fantasies. The voice? I still don’t know. I don’t pursue it but I will wait for Him to bring something to me if it is a gift He wants to use. (1 Corinthians 12:1-11)
Another thing I had put on hold was – my body. I’ve nurtured a huge sense of vanity over the years. After turning forty I began working out more than I had since being a teenager. Part of that was for good reason as I wanted my wife to have a healthy, good-looking husband she could take pride in, one who avoided the ailments that afflicted my father at the same age and that have worsened as he’s gotten older. I also started helping my son train physically as he advances through high school, having more concern about his appearance, and begins participating in sports. Over time, though, it also became more and more about looking my best for the sake of looking great, for pure vanity. As I’ve entered this time by my Cherith, I let that go, unsure how much of that pursuit was corrupted. (For physical exercise is of limited value, but godliness is valuable in every way, holding promise for the present life and for the one to come. 1 Timothy 4:8)
Because I was unsure, in general, just how much of me was in everything I did, I let everything I could think of go that had me in it, down to getting rid of my video games, books, movies, even cologne. I don’t want anything that God hasn’t approved of in my heart, before my eyes, or on my body.
Today I realized I still need to workout and utilize what God gave me. He made this- I will care for it and optimize it. I need to use it for meditation and communion time with God. And still take time to spend with my son. Naturally, I also hope to present it once again to my beloved- I don’t want to bring her anything less than my best. (Song of Solomon 5:10-16) I also don’t want to represent my God in a slapdash, unkempt fashion. (Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:1-20)
Take some time to recognize what you are meant to keep of yourself and how it can be used of God. Give some proper thought and meditation on how you may have misused or disused it; offer them again once more to the Lord.
Feeling depressed in this kind of situation is normal, maybe that is where some of you are. I feel it, too. Are you wallowing in it, though? We should at least be treading water if not trying to reach the shore. If you don’t have a diagnosed neurological disorder then put your feet down. It’s not as deep as you think. Head to shore- Hope is there and His strong arms. He will lift us up. It isn’t easy, I know. But it’s not impossible. With God, all things are possible. (But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26 Dr. McGee on this chapter)
Ever In Christ,
I pray for victory over my selfish incarnation, my previous life, and Satan. They claimed our marriage and I helped rob you of the glory that marriage ought to have given. Please allow a renewed love and commitment to bloom, be born, between the person she has always wanted to be and the person I am to be. Show the world the power of the Almighty when He restores something so broken it seems hopeless.
Turn her heart back toward me.
In Jesus’ Name,
-I keep wanting to watch something and feel like who I’m watching- like watch Sherlock Holmes or Doctor Who and emulate their intellect, their aloofness and asexuality, shield myself by adopting an “immune” personality. But I started to realize that I’ve always done this- taken on character traits of what I admire, to the extent that I’m not sure what’s fundamentally ME. They made me arrogant. The voices, the humor- it’s all some form of copying and emulation. It seems to be my version of what you have gone through traumatically- a slower emotional growth that has led to you letting your real self out now, me just realizing I don’t know who my real self is. I’ve just been so confident but it’s been a performance.
-I hope God is transforming me into really me as I strip away the other things like games and acting, the story writing and focus on the Word, working with my hands, writing my real thoughts, enjoying any time at all with you and the kids. Sitting still with real life rather than next thing to occupy my imagination.
-My whole life I’ve been wishing then believing I was something more than I am. So different that I was convinced I was more than what God had made me. Better than that, something more special than special. I can’t be a servant with that attitude. I certainly wasn’t a husband who sacrificed the right things for his wife. (But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 2 Corinthians 4:7)
(note: As I create new posts I discover a little more each day God’s purpose in having me do this- first it was to just get my feelings out and to share; the He impressed on me that, as I edited, I should find what The Word has to say about these thoughts and how I can learn more, how to connect the Bible and worthy commentary into these posts. I’m eager to see what else He leads me to.)