Today is one of the darkest ever in my life. I knew it was coming, as hard as I prayed against it. Considering how prepared He has made me for it I could be in far worse shape. What I am feeling is some doubt, a lack of faith and trust that all that I was fighting for already I should keep fighting for. That the paperwork of this world neither overshadows nor negates God’s law.
I want so much to reach out for a comforting thought, a caring friend, but I know where that would lead. I’m feeling less sure-footed and start wondering if all of this came out of my heart on its own rather than being put there by the Lord. As I was praying, my recent (and effective) strategy came to the front of my mind- whatever I am feeling like doing, my first instinct, has almost always been wrong for my whole life. My first instincts have always been self-serving. So though I prayed for some great and overwhelming message from God to tell me to keep going this way, He instead reminds me in small ways what He has already told me. He poured it out heavy at the beginning. He doesn’t want to tell me again. My first thoughts are usually selfish thoughts, especially under duress- I will not follow them but head the opposite way.
But it is hard. I am lonely despite the love of so many brothers and sisters. Half of me is elsewhere, as is her heart. I don’t know His schedule, He won’t put it in my calendar. I continue to pray and study and surrender. Would that you prayed for me, too.
“To the married I give this command (not I,but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:10-11