I have mentioned before that one of the things my wife felt led for us to do together was write a blog. We each wrote an initial entry but never actually published it. Being led to write this blog is one of a number of things, as I have said, that God wanted me to do and used her to tell me. Things I refused to listen to but now these ears are open.
I found her blog entry from then. I want to share the whole thing but that is not what I’m meant to do. I do feel like I should share a small part of it, though. It showed me and reminded me that I have not been a monster the entire time, that what God has done in me in this time by the brook is to clean out and reveal what has been in here all along- a man who does love his wife and always has and she knew it, too, at one time. He got lost, that man, but his Shepherd came and got him. Praise His name. (“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. (Luke 15:4-7, ESV)
“Years of happiness, hurt, triumphs, struggles, celebrations, screaming matches, endless laughter, sobbing tears, memories that take my breath away, and memories I wish I could forget, but love…always love…
The truth hurts, the truth is real, and reality sucks…a lot. Sometimes. But here is another reality, the reality that has pushed me to finally write what I feel the Lord has been pushing me to open up about and write is partly this: Reality is our perception; it’s what we make of it in our minds and what we do with it.
It makes or breaks a marriage.
My reality tonight is that I have a husband that I know loves me more than he loves himself, he loves me so deeply that he squeezes me too hard sometimes when he hugs me, and he knows he cannot take me out for a fancy dinner at a restaurant, or some romantic get-a-way weekend. What he can do is make me dinner and maybe… we can go take the kids for a sunset walk down by the lake after and probably kiss a few times while our kids yell “HEY! There are kids here, ya know.”
Tonight is our tiny celebration of a love that surpasses life’s struggles, that continues in the midst of chaos and is real. I celebrate our very survival, kids that see our love and feel safe. I was never afforded that luxury but that’s a different story, for a different time. For now, God is good, God has the power to heal and all things can be accomplished through him, he renews us every day if we let him.